The Enlightenment

“Mom I NEED this dress okay? Cmon, I don’t tear clothes to wear them, I am NORMAL. I am buying a readymade slit dress. Puhleez na, I won’t ask for another such dress all year”. Even as my mom got ready to tell me that I wouldn’t be getting such a dress EVER, I pushed the words out of my mind. The dratted conscience-mamu would get his chance later when I’d realize that the dress really didn’t suit me.

What was the whole point anyway? A fresher’s party. Yes, that time of the year when hormone-overloaded teenagers beg, borrow, and scheme to win a coveted plastic crown. I was pretending hard to be one of those super-cool types who did not have to get into a party to be cool. But that wasn’t working. I stood in front of the mirror, flattening my tummy and practicing the million-dollar smile. Heck, all the hotties in campus would be in one blinking chamber, checking out girls. I wasn’t ready to be left behind! Never mind that I had two left feet, or that I did not know how to be a sexy damsel-in-distress.

Leaving behind a loudly muttering granny, I headed out in that glittery dress, with my companions-in-crime accompanying me. And what I saw scared me. The campus was filled with girls covered in shawls and jackets, stumbling in heels, adjusting straps, fighting over the mirror in the restroom, and what not. I joined the crowd eagerly, ignoring the fact that my own feet were struggling in an imbalanced pair of sandals. Some sacrifices ought to be made!

The disc we went to was full of sweaty young things rubbing shoulders and things, ahem. For a moment, I gulped in fright, but joined the mad cats anyway. The evening saw us wannabe Cinderellas gyrating clumsily (read dancing), pouting (read emphasizing the garish lip-gloss), acting hard-to-get (betrayed by the puppy-look in our smokey eyes), nodding eagerly to unintelligible music, and basically yelling all over the place. Nothing worked though. The crown (and a new boyfriend) went to the one female who was best at balancing her 55 kilos on 4-ft stilettos, swaying her hips, and looking better than her real self in just 10 layers of makeup.

I was upset. Was I not good enough? Did you need dancing skills to make you popular? Do you have to flirt to attract attention? *Sniff sob*. It took half an hour for me to clear my face of the eye makeup, and one month to clear my head. Never mind the lack of desperate male attention. The glittering dress was now lying in some forgotten corner, the heels were never used again, and the memory of that night was starting to fade. I was back to my usual self, a one-month old girl in engineering college. Novels, college fests, classroom chitchat, shopping sprees, good food and bad exams defined my life. I was once again, a smiling, chirping, princess of the world in my simple jeans and tee-shirts. Mom was so glad to have good old me back, pajamas, growling tummy, chubby fat and all.

And one day, it happened. This really nice guy walked up to me with a shy smile. “You got all those prizes na, in the talent contest? Congrats, and ummm must say, you’re cute too.” I closed my book and blinked. To this day, I haven’t forgotten what it takes to be a winner. Be yourself, just be damned good at it.

See it all...

Kicking off those bathroom slippers
Walking about on the cold stone floor
Wondering if it’s not a bit too early to
Start walking out the wooden front door

Watching birds in the winter morning
Off to gather bread for the little ones
Chirping perhaps to glorify their business
Humming tunes much more than once

Making a fuss of the same old routine
The wife and kids better be doing fine
Talking to ourselves about a hated cycle
Doubting, ‘Has my life ever been mine?’

Blame the clock for hurrying every single day
Skimming through a newspaper on our way
Quick meals owing to a haughty lack of time,
‘Sigh, no breathers for us folks even today!’

What’s the matter with all of us people?
Each head bent on thinking the same thing
Saying nothing about what’s the truth but
Cribbing on and on about every single thing!

Looking out for some damn saving grace
Even in the best of the best awarded gifts
Eyes blind to the fruit from the trees for
We see only the seed we’ve got to sow

Somebody! Tell us all,
What we’ve got to do at all!
Somebody, let us know
What’s behind that giant wall,
Somebody, everybody
Just look inside to see it all.
What a life we’ve been living if we
Claim to die to simply have it all…

Happy, damn happy

How the hell did it end up like this?
It hurts when I’m clenching my fists
I can’t see what all I might miss
I’ve forgotten the last time we kissed

And I walk out the door, angry, sad maybe
Anything, just far from happy, damn happy

Tell me why we had to have our ways
When it was calamity both ways?
Why do we have those oh-so-bad days?
Seeming like, all the time, always.

And I walk out the door, angry, sad maybe
Anything, just far from happy, damn happy

Give me a reason why I should try
When my love’s already by the by
No point in asking myself why
I’m letting the memory run dry

So I walked out the door, angry, but sad I won’t be
Maybe I will soon be happy, damn happy

Deepti Bhat, Oct 2008

Will live without you

I’m falling apart and you can’t see it
When I’m right here in front of you
You’ve put on your blinding cloth
You can’t stand what for myself I do

I’ve already lost everything I had
And you still want more, don’t you?
You want to bend me to your will
Maybe I look like a ragdoll to you

You feel good pushing me to the edge
Even better making me long for you
I’m left with nothing and nobody
And I can’t even, can’t ever have you

I gave a damn for the wide world
And now that world might include you
I’m grabbing at emptiness I know
But that’s everything compared to you

Maybe I’m one in many commons
But I won’t anymore belong to you
You can move on and find others
I will learn to live without you

Deepti Bhat, Oct 2008

It hurts

It hurts to look at you these days
I have no one left to talk to.
While I try to bear the pain
I can’t ever hate you, see?
Not For what you were,
Maybe for what you turned me into.

That smile won’t cheer me now
Frozen though in time
Not after what you put me through
I wipe away a tear or two.
Remember? I clicked the picture
When you and I were nine.

One slit wrist and you were gone
Out of sight, not out of mind
You fenced out the world
Why did that include me?
You leave me blaming myself
What solace can I find?

A tight slap on your cheek
A hug to make you feel better
If anything could get you back
I swear I’d grab the chance
I’d run every mile again with you
And be in your arms forever

Deepti Bhat, Oct 2008

Beauty

My soul is restless, somehow today
And I can’t seem to say a word
About the music I just heard…

Feels like a long drawn call to me
From some lost, distant world
Of which my image is blurred…

Makes me look for my existence
Was I, eons ago in that place?
Or is this simply a passing phase…

I know not who I am now
I follow the voice that beckons
Into where I must’ve been, once…

Seems like she sings for me
Taking me back home with her
Where I will know no fear…

I look inside my beating heart
Searching for the answers
While the voice meanders…

Deepti Bhat (23rd Sept 08)

PS: i was listening to "Beauty" by Boris Potskov ... and the words fell into place.

You’re too good and you are true!

You get me laughing after making me cry
You make me forget that time is flying by
I knew someone special was waiting for me
Who knew you were the one meant for me

You hold my hand after looking at me
You make me forget how lonely I’d be
I knew something in you made me run to you
Who knew sweet love was the magnet in you

You hug me when things get hard to bear
You make me forget I had a frown to wear
I knew someday the world would all be mine
Who knew you were my morning sunshine

You kiss me goodnight when you sing me to sleep
You stole all cares I thought were mine to keep
I knew all my dreams were meant to be true
Who knew I wouldn’t stop dreaming of you

Deepti Bhat-July 2008

Grown-ups blues

Why do we kids just wait to grow up?
To give up what dreams we make up?
We complain and from fun we abstain
Our good old world is now a daily bane

We went around calling a spade a spade
And our days were almost easily made
We dusted our backs, went back to play
Fights forgotten, faces happy and gay

When wrinkles set in, we just droop away
Speak the things we never thought we’d say
Where went the dude, and the class clown?
Why is life sloping all the way there, down?

We all have grown older, some of us wiser
But those were days that could not get better
Why are we all losing ourselves this way?
Can we turn time back and kick the blues away?

Deepti Bhat-July 2008

My little Lily

Little Lily beckons me to her world
Suddenly I see some nice magic unfold
Sunshine blooms in her innocent smile
I am heading to heaven in drunken style

Little Lily somehow makes me do her will
Suddenly I see time standing still
Perfume fills the air when she’s walking by
I am heading nowhere but I just seem to fly

Little Lily tucks me into bed every day
Suddenly I see the gray melting away
Dreams flood my head as she sings to me
I am in the state I always wanted to be!

My little Lily hugs me when I get teary
Suddenly the world is hardly dreary
Her momma I see in her big blue eyes
I know her love has come to me from the skies

Deepti Bhat-July 2008

Voice in the Void

Sadness is an enigma, so beautiful

And how I am cursed by beauty

I reached for the stars, wonderful

And now pain is my biggest bounty

You weave dreams, they don’t come true

Do you believe in them, or don’t you?

When things went good, now they get bad,

Do you face the tough times, or don’t you?

I thought I had good luck, plentiful

But now serendipity seems thrifty

It seemed my cup of joy was half full,

And how it seems to quickly empty

You win every time, you are still lost

Do you feel hollow inside, or don’t you?

When things you saw were a mirage

You try to hold on to them, or don’t you?

For an instant or so, I felt powerful

And now I am the object of pity

If loneliness is healing and merciful,

Will solitude bless me for infinity?

They see your strength, and not your need

Do you pretend all is well, or don’t you?

Your aching inside, and no one notices.

Do you cry aloud for help, or don’t you?

Deepti Bhat (April 2008)